andy. david. samantha. just END already!
February 6th, 2001 - 12:31AM
wow... so i finally got around to copying off of oriana and getting myself one of these. heehee... by the way, you can find oriana's diary at oriana.diaryland.com
i'm kinda worried that writing in an online diary is gonna stop me from writing in my actual journal... because my actual journal will be worth so much more to me in 10 years. =) but whatever. i'll try to keep up with both.
well... everything has been so fucked up lately... i guess it's slowly getting better... very slowly. i still don't know what to do. i'm sure that andy likes both me and samantha, but spam's got that same weird david-vibe that i've got going... except with andy and not with david. right. so she admitted to all the girls on the intellectual creativity message board that her andy decision was to be indecisive. which is taking the easy way out, but hey, i think she deserves it. this has been fucking with her just as much, if not more, than it has been with me. i told her, pretty much, that i would do whatever she wanted me to do. if she doesn't want me to go out with andy, i won't. hey, i've already done it twice anyway. ;-) i mean, i really really want to, but i've been fucked over by some of my friends with guys way too many times, and i'm not about to start being the one dishing out the depression. i'm too used to being the one taking the fork and digging into it. if she doesn't like andy, fine, if she does, we can continue having our AA (andy anonymous) meetings and call it a day. it's all fine with me. i just want there to be a solution and have this whole catastrophe be done with.
but what makes me feel like a huge bitch is that these are pretty much the only two options in my head: 1. samantha decides she doesn't like andy anymore and i go out with him. 2. samantha decides she still likes andy and neither one of us go out with him. it's sad, but i really don't think i'd be okay having anyone else go out with him, and that makes me a hypocritical bitch. i see andy again for the first time in months and automatically decide i like him again, or like him still, or whatever the fuck triggered this andy-dilemma in my fucked up head.
and why this sudden non-interest in david? before andy came back along, i was all ready to kill david's girlfriend (now ex) and get back along with my plans on re-dating him. and now andy's back in the picture and i've suddenly lost all interest in david. and what's weird is that i feel bad for him, but then i don't, in a way. i kinda feel like he deserves something to come his way... y'know, what goes around fucking COMES around with you and your slut fucking girlfriend... but maybe he doesn't deserve this much. what with me telling him i wanted to get back together with him, him breaking up with his girlfriend, and then finding out gradually that i want andy back? but, you know what? fuck him, because he's the one that absolutely refused to break up with julie without being ABSOLUTELY SURE that i would be his girlfriend again just as soon as he did so. who the fuck is that insecure?! you can be single for what, a day or two, while i decide what i want to do with your sorry ass? i'm sorry, it doesn't work that way. i'm supposed to be attracted to you, all while KNOWING that you've got a cock sucking whore on your arm that isn't me?! (haha, by the way. i felt like it was time to crack a joke.)
god...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...what am i going to DO with all of this bullshit?! i just want it to end... i want there to be some sort of mutual final decision and i can go back to being the stressed out waitress/assistant stage manager/5th grade tutor/homeschooled 10th grade student that i AM.
