hello. in two days i will start my final week of my freshman year of college. i will write two papers and take three exams. and on wednesday it will be over.

but not quite.

before i can allow myself time to slow down, i have to get an eight thousand dollar loan in order to pay for this first year of college because i cannot register for classes in september if i do not do so. and i KNOW that if i were to allow myself time to catch my breath that i would never do that, and then i would be forbidden to attend the fall 2004 semester and columbia. then, naturally, i would see it as a blessing, as time to "take a breather" and to overwork myself at the medici in order to "save money for NEXT semester."

however, i would not save this money. i would also still not have that eight grand. and, most likely, i would never return to college again.

therefore, i cannot allow this to happen.

i will get a loan, register for next semester, apply for a lot of grants and scholarships, work a lot, bikeride a lot, GO TO FRANCE, instigate my impending alcoholism, and hang out with all of my friends that i will only see for these four months before they go away again.

i am trying not to worry about this because it makes my thoughts go from racing in my head to SCREAMING INSIDE IT AND IT REALLY GRATES ON MY NERVES and it makes me feel like i'm getting some sort of nervous eye twitch. so i shant worry.

lately, actually, i've not had much to worry about. sam is going crazy again and i really wish she would just go to the doctor, some sort of psychiatrist would do her a world of good because she is constantly tense and swearing and putting EVERYONE around her on edge. she doesn't seem to realize how crazy she is driving the entire medici and i wish she would've just taken tina up on her offer of finding her a therapist way back in the day.

i caught a glimpse of david at the medici on thursday night and he told me later that he "didn't know i was working" which is funny because he would've seen me there if he had looked in the fucking window, which he said he did but he's a liar because i saw him through the window and he didn't even look up. i shouldn't ever think, look at or speak to him. i do so much better when he isn't around. i've never had anyone treat me as horribly as he does and not even care.

I'M DONE.

what was a good thing on thursday night was when brett came in and we sat on the patio for twenty minutes under a tree in the rain. i never wanted to go back inside. nothing could've been a better escape from the godforsaken medici.

sometimes i wonder how average looking i have to be in order for him to find me attractive. or perhaps it is that i'm too average looking? i don't know, but all i know is that he loves U of C girls (dear god) because of their averageness and i wonder, is it that i'm too average (unattractive) or not average enough (too pretty) for him? because if i'm too pretty for him, that's okay with me. =) however, i consider myself neither here nor there. i consider myself quite average.

of course, it could just be that he considers me too young for him.

same old story.

0 kids told me how it was so far
next time - last time - first time - this time